Because I’ve got a strange sense of humour and my own sense of comedic wit rests on having trust, confidence and a six-pack of Samuel Adams nearby (ignore that – it’s more like Jackson Triggs and I ain’t touching six bottles of that in one sitting, no sir), I’m going to present my current personal mental state in the New Emerging Business Speak.

I don’t pretend this will be easy, but here’s a trusty way to decode the wrinkly gibberish I’m about to churn out.

I’ve been called the Alpha Geek once in awhile, although I worry my digital life is turning into a sea of chip jewelry and personal cobweb sites. I try to avoid spending yuppie food coupons frivolously, as the cultural onset of Dorito Syndrome, Irritainment, Keyboard Plaque and Siliwood is distracting my idea hamster-like tendencies and forcing me to become engaged with square-headed spouses and learning as many Vulcan Nerve Pinch techniques as possible. It makes most people like myself into stress puppies and, sometimes, a 404. Square-headed spouses take away from stimulating idea hamster-like tendencies and makes the meatspace boring sometimes. I mean, the meatspace is way more interesting than the World Wide Wait, and you’re bound to find your efforts online betamaxed over time anyway or spend your time online egosurfing. This isn’t to say the World Wide Wait isn’t worth it, but if you spend too much time online, you’re stuck in the zone between Graybar Land and Batmobiling.

There, wasn’t so hard?

HARPER’S MEDIA BAN: Yikes. This smacks of President George W. Bush more than words can say. I’m really starting to dislike Harper’s way of doing things more and more. Worse are the arrogant apologists for Stephen “I Kiss You When I Lose, I Slap You When I Win” Harper’s treatment of the media as a whole. Who’s willing to bet his strategy will backfire in the end? I’ll bet, oh, I dunno, $125.

I’m all about cryptic messages today.

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